Reddit Writing Prompt #30: The Muppets Rob A Bank

The Muppets rob a bank. – Manuel15456

Looking back on it, Kermit the Frog wasn’t surprised that the job had gone wrong. He was more impressed that it had taken that long to go wrong. Almost five minutes! That had to be some sort of record.

Planning the job had been the easiest part. Gonzo volunteered to drive the getaway car. Agreeing to that was Kermit’s first mistake, and it was very far from his last one. He didn’t have much choice; everybody was very sure what jobs they wanted to do, and it was as always a chore trying to wrangle them into anything resembling order. Fozzie (mistake two), and Miss Piggie (mistake three) were in charge of keeping the bank patrons in line while Beaker and Animal (mistake four) would crack the safe and collect the loot. Kermit, as the leader, had only one job: make sure things didn’t go wrong. It was mistake number five that he thought he was up to the task.

It had started out well, at least. Miss Piggie and Fozzie held the front desk workers and the clients hostage, Beaker and Animal found the vault doors, and Gonzo waited in the car, singing along to the radio. Kermit had felt brief optimism that died as soon as Fozzie decided to test some of his stand-up routine.

“Nice to see that I’ve got a captive audience here! Wokka wokka!” was the first thing he had said, and it was probably the least cringe-worthy. Kermit had tried to get Fozzie to shut up, but the bear was in ‘the zone’, despite Kermit’s repeated statements that he would be in ‘the slammer’ if he didn’t put a sock in it.

Then, Miss Piggie had noticed the security cameras, and instinct took over. She loved cameras – any cameras – and made sure to smile and pose for the closed-circuit cameras while she kept her sub-machine gun trained on her hostages. Kermit, trying to get Fozzie to stop telling jokes, had been too distracted to realize that Miss Piggie was getting really into it. She took off her ski mask, which she had objected to the entire time, so that the camera could get more of her good sides. In her opinion, all of her sides were her good sides.

Then, things started getting really interesting. Beaker had prepared a chemical that he was fairly certain would melt through the vault doors, but what had really happened was more of a fiery explosion. Beaker and Animal, both on fire, had run out into the lobby, screaming and meeping and signaling the end of any semblance of professionalism on the job.

Miss Piggie was the first to go. She had been closest to the door when Animal had burst through, and the sight and sound of him on fire was enough to panic the egotistical oinker. She dropped her gun and fled the bank, running to the getaway car, which was no longer there. Gonzo had mistaken the muffled sound of the explosion for a starting gun, and instinct had taken over. He was caught fifteen minutes after the start of his impromptu race, when he wrapped the car around a lamp post and was thrown clear of the wreckage and head-first into a trash can. With no car to help her flee, Miss Piggie decided to just keep running and maybe escape the country.

Kermit had found the fire extinguisher to put out Beaker and Animal, and Fozzie was deep in thought as he tried to think of a joke for this situation. Then the cops showed up, and Kermit decided to cut his losses and come along quietly.

Miss Piggie’s escape had only been temporary, as she had shown off her face to the security cameras. She was apprehended in the airport, where she was found trying to sneak into first-class on a flight to Hawaii. Gonzo was connected to the failed robbery thanks to his repeated claims that he had nothing to do with it.

Statler and Waldorf were on the jury, because the universe had a cruel sense of irony, and the two old men had to be repeatedly silenced by the judge. They had been the ones to deliver the guilty verdict, which had only taken a few seconds of deliberation for the jury. “We hereby sentence the defendants as guilty.” “Only because we can’t sentence them as idiots.” They had both laughed, but Kermit thought it wasn’t their best effort.

Still, jail wasn’t all bad. Kermit was finally free of Miss Piggie, who had gone to a women’s prison called Litchfield Penitentiary instead. Fozzie got involved in a prison gang, after the boss had decided that he was amused by the bear’s attempts at comedy. Gonzo escaped after constructing a rocket out of chemical supplies he had sneaked out of the laundry room, and Animal found inner peace during an extended stay in solitary confinement. Kermit stayed on his best behavior, hoping to get out on good behavior, unless Miss Piggie got out first, in which case he would probably do his best to stay.

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